Managing Loss

"Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.” John Lennon

This month's topic could be seen as too personal to be discussed in the same breath as business - and you may not expect to read about it in a newsletter. So if it doesn't apply to you at this time, I hope you'll pass it on to someone who might benefit from it.

Over the past weeks, I’ve talked with some courageous people who are trying to focus on business while dealing with the death of someone close. They’re asking, “How can I be alive for my business when I’m dying inside?" "How can I be calm and rational with my clients and staff when I just want to scream?" "How can I focus when my mind unexpectedly reminds me that I’ll never get to talk with __________ again?”

As I thought about this, my own memories were ignited. I was the head of a national organization when my grandma died (we were very, very close). And when my 29-year-old “little” brother died, I was building my second company. I remember being irritated with how people kept going on with life as if nothing had happened. Everyone and everything celebrated life and activity. All I felt was death and emptiness.

For most of us, making plans is part of our daily routine. We clarify where we want to go. We set goals. We develop strategies. And we put feet to our words by getting the job done. So how do we stay on top of business when we’re being ripped apart inside?

Without over simplifying or presuming to understand individual situations, here are six lessons I learned as I made my way through my own grief and as I've walked with others through theirs.

1. Expect the unexpected. When we least expect it, someone at work makes a comment or our eye catches something that reminds us of the person we lost. We feel the ache build in our chest and our vision blurs. And we’re sure that everyone is watching. We can’t dismiss ourselves from the meeting (there’s no harm in it when you can). So, in an effort to appear “professional”, we try to avoid our emotions. We take a couple of deep breathes and focus ourselves back on the discussion. Yes, this tactic can work. But I also learned that grief will not be brushed aside forever. The outward expression of our inner emotions is necessary for a healthy natural grief process.

2. Do for yourself what you would do for others. When a friend is trying to find their way through a difficult time we're there for them. We listen. We’re sensitive and caring. We’re compassionate and nonjudgmental. But when it comes to ourselves we seem to think we have to be super human. We criticize what we see as weakness and we struggle with our lack of control. And yet, one of the best things we can do for ourselves is what we would do for others.

3. Give yourself permission. One of my most memorable experiences is when my girlfriend took me to a movie about a month after my grandma died. Half way through the movie, Sally Field went into a monologue of uncontrollable grief at the graveside of her daughter. She expressed every emotion that I had been feeling. I was right there with her. Creating opportunities to release our grief allows us to move on. If we don’t let it out it can turn to anger and bitterness and we move through life only half healed.

4. Build in flex time. Grieving is exhausting but we seem to think that we can just add it to our scheduled to do list. We expect too much too soon and try to fool ourselves into thinking we “can handle it”. Then we wonder why we’re experiencing things like anger, confusion, anxiety, memory and concentration difficulties, and even some depression. Scheduling time out for ourselves will help relieve the pressure and guide us through the natural grief process.

5. Know you're not alone. In our grief we feel like no one else has ever felt the pain we feel. But many have walked this path before us. Even when we’d rather pull the covers over our head and let the world pass by, friends who hurt with and for us are waiting. When we’re ready they’ll be there – you can count on it.

6. Celebrate. In some cultures, family and friends come together for the one-year anniversary of the loss of their loved one. What a wonderful tradition. The anniversary can be a particularly sensitive time – so plan to celebrate their life and the impact they had on your life. Go to their grave site. Light a candle. Write a letter to them. Have dinner with a close friend. Take a walk on the beach. There is hidden power in remembering the life of our loved ones. It honors them and helps to heal our pain.

While I've drawn on my own experiences I know that each situation is different. It is my hope that the content of this newsletter will help you in your own grief or guide you in helping someone you know.

If you have comments on this topic or want to offer suggestions for future newsletter content, please email me at coach@smartstrategiesinc.com

Ann Griffiths

SMART Strategies works with people in business to help them gain clarity, grow beyond obstacles and self-imposed limitations, and succeed in achieving the results they want. To explore how you can get the results you want in your personal and business life, email Ann at coach@smartstrategiesinc.com